(/)2008

In a few hours, 2008 will be over. It was an interesting year I must say.

Normally I would go into some deep speech about the end of one chapter and the opening of another and blah blah blah. Not this year. This year, I'm simply going to say that everything happens for a reason, but that is no excuse to let the bad things get you down. No, this year, just be yourself. Stand for what you believe in, but also be open to hear what others are saying. Listen before you speak, and put others before yourself, but take care of yourself to.

Blah. I don' even know what to say. Just have a good new years and be safe.

Seeking: Vampire Age: Somewhere around 108

I don't claim to have many people that follow my blog, yet I still feel a slight sense of guilt when I neglect to post something. So over my "break" I have been doing much research into our modern culture. Specifically, the Twilight craze, and by craze, I mean this is a turning point in literary history whether people would like to admit it or not. Don't believe me? A few minutes on google and you'll realize how big this is. Now I know that most of you are used to me being AGAINST mainstream society, but in the name of journalism, I had to see for myself what this was all about.

It all began when I went to go see the movie (on opening night nonetheless) with a very good friend of mine. At that point, curiosity was already sinking it's fangs into my neck. So there we sat, and to be honest, I was absolutely blown away. Not by the movie itself, with it's mediocre effects and things like that. But the story, now that's a different....uh, situation. A few days later, I went to the bookstore on my lunch break and bought the book and finished it in the week. What can I say? It was really good. It wasn't perfect, but for some reason, it sticks with you.

Especially Edward Cullen. 

You wonder why all the girls are in love with him? You wonder why everyone wants to be a member of the Cullen family? Then read about Edward, and you understand.

Here's the really cool thing. The very first time Edward meets Bella, he is overcome by her scent, and has to go to extreme measures just to keep himself from killing her and drinking her blood. Sounds wonderful right? It gets better. It gets to the point where he has to stop himself from breathing just to be around her. I'm not gonna spoil anything, because maybe some of you will also read it for yourself. All this to say, it IS a very moving love story. It is loaded with undertones of Lust, Temptation, Courage, Valor, Restraint, Internal Struggle, and most of all, Love. It's true.

Now here's what I have to say to the girls. Although it would be great if every girl met their Edward. But what they fail to realize is that their are people in the world with the same exact character attributes. Especially lust. I don't know if you girls realize it, but sometimes, we go to extreme measures just to keep ourselves from doing things we might regret later. Well, some guys do. Most people now just give in to their every whim and do whatever it is they want. Is that what Edward Cullen would do? No. Ladies? You wanna know how to meet your Edward? Look for the guy that wants to get to know you, and not what's in your pants. The ones who look you in the eye when they talk to you. The ones who laugh with you, listen to you, and love you for who you are. That, my friends, is your Edward. He may not want to suck your blood, but don't underestimate how cruel guy's intentions can be for you.

Wow. Didn't mean to rant. Anyway, my final thought is that I think there is an Edward out there for every Bella. Ladies, if you want your man to be an Edward, then you should try being a Bella. Seriously, I was in love with the girl by the time I finished.

Too tired, troubled, torn, and taken down.

This one is going to be a bit more personal.

I woke up this morning feeling like complete shit. Not in the physical sense, but more in the emotional / mental department. It seems mornings like these are becoming more and more frequent. I wake up hating everything. I wake up feeling trapped, miserable, empty, misguided, confused, and apathetic, and it sucks.

I know, I know. I have got to start eating breakfast. Most important meal of the day people say. Although I don't think that this state of being is from mal-nutrition, at least in the physical way. Something else that used to be there is gone. My get up and go, got up and left, so to speak.

I've never felt like this before. Like I'm at a dead end. Like some invisible walls are closing in. The end of my short rope. Fuse is getting shorter. My anxiety is off the charts, and I feel like at any minute, I could have a nervous break-down at ninteen years old. I feel as though I am a ticking time bomb, an unstable bridge just waiting ever so patiently for that one moron to tread where he should not go. I feel sorry for whoever sets me off, becasue I do not know what I will do. The weight of the world is on my shoulders, or at least, a good half of the world. I can't get rid of that feeling.

Most of you who know me pretty well have never seen me angry. Upset, annoyed, grumpy, and frustrated, yes. But Angry? No one's ever seen me angry. I think I might have been once, and it wasn't pretty.

So now that I feel that there is nothing left I can do, I choose to write about it. Maybe putting all these things into words will make them less of a mystery. I find that by giving my feelings faces and names, they tend to be less scary. Still there, but just not as frightening.

Even now, starting to calm down. Good. Won't be like this for long though. Never is. Whenever it comes back, it's always worse too. I need something. I fucking hate this job. I hate this routine of get up, go to work, come home, go to bed. That's not me. I don't do that shit. I was meant for better, and I feel my soul rotting to nothing every minute I spend in these goddamned walls.

I just need something....

It hurts that this doesn't surprise me

I was cruising the web this morning and I stumbled across this post on Geekologie. Normally, it's a fun site, discussing various topics that would be interessting to people with a nerd side.

One of the posts this morning, was not very fun at all. In fact, I found it rather (not)shocking. You know that feeling, the whole, "Oh my lanta, I'm so (not) shocked!" It's becaue of this awful world. Anyway, a 19 year old from Florida killed himself on the internet with an audience of about 1500 people. Abraham Biggs intentionally overdosed on pills in front of over a thousand people watching on their computer screens. Justin.tv is an open network of hundreds of streaming chanels, and is a medium for students (or anyone) to use streaming media.

Abraham had posted suicide notes on forums prior to him taking the pills. In fact, he had done things like this so many times before, the moderators of these sites didn't take it seriously enough to do anything when he decided to do it for real. His note read:

"I am an asshole. I have let everyone down and I feel as though I will
never change or never improve. I am in love with a girl and I know that I am not good enough for her. Please forgive me all for taking my own life so early. I tried so hard to fight against this strong battle. I have reached out for help so many times, and yet I believe, I was turned away because of the things I did, that it is a punishment I am willing to take, for I know that being who I am has only brought myself and others pain."

If that isn't bad enough, they were people online who were egging him on to do it. They WANTED to see him kill himself. Still there were those who even after his body lay there completely lifeless, continued to mock and jeer at him and acusing him of staging the whole thing.

This is so saddening to me, and yet the sadder part is that most of me is not phased by this at all. I'm sad because I know it happened. I'm sad because of his confusion, his anger, his self-loathing, his feeling of worthlessness. I am also quite shocked at how much people change when they're posting in public forums, but that'll be for a different entry.

I think for this to hit home for most of us, we need to think about the point he was driven to, rather than the actual act of killing himself. Think of the times where life has seemed so hopeless and dark. We've all been there.

Think about the time where you were most hurt, scared, angry, or confused. This poor kid had it so bad, that the only way in his mind to get it to go away, was to kill himself. We are so quick to judge and say "Oh, suicide is selfish," blah blah blah. I'm not condoning suicide, but I really do hate it when people have no sympathy for them. That's a dangerous place to be at.

Didn't mean to get all preachy. Just wanted to point a few things. Things that I found, thought-worthy, I guess. My goal wasn't to ruin anyone's day, but like always, to get you to think about things in a different way.

RIP Abraham Biggs

Stress, Writers block, and everything in between

Blogging, for me, is probably one of the most stress relieving things. It's a chance for me to sit down, get my thoughts in order, and then write them out. But even something as simple as that, I turn stressful. It's not easy, but somehow I manage.

Here is what I mean. I don't know if I've ever gone into any detail about how my mind works, but although it doesn't necesarily present itself outwardly, inwardly, I try to be a very organized person. Meaning everything has it's "place" and when something is out of it's "place" (I use quotes beacuse the place is in my head) it drives me nuts.

How this relates to my blogging is this. For media related things, I have the media blog. And up until this point, I was only going to use this blog for spiritual and deep profound things. The trouble with that, is where do I put all my other thoughts? They have no place. So instead of starting an individual blog for every different train of thought I have, I just decided to put all "thought" related things into this blog. Hence, the name change and everything. I just needed to finalize it in my head. I don't know if any of you think like that, but I think some of you get what I'm saying. My head is messy and disorganized, while at the same time, everything has it's place. I think by trying to explain myself, I'm just confusing you more. Sorry. I usually consider myself pretty good at communicating what I'm trying to say. Just goes to show you how confusing we as humans can be. Love it?

I don't know why I decided to write about this. There is nothing too particularly meaningful about this entry, but hey! That's the great thing about the web. You don't need a reason to ramble. Ugh. Just had something that needed to get out I suppose.

I guess if there is a point to any of this, it would be as follows. I think people over-complicate a lot of things, even if it's just in the mind. The mind is where stress begins and ends, and I think we have a lot more control over it than we realize. I think I'll start with this whole blog thing. I need to free myeself of the restraints. Restraints, that I subconsciencely put there in the first place. It may be freeing to try the same.

A big idea on a small scale

Generally, I notice most of the things I choose to write serisouly about tend to be about the human condition. Not only that, but I also make some fairly accurate generalizations about, well, everyone that is human I suppose. I just have a strong core belief that no two people are really that different. Of course, even I don't practice what I preach sometimes, but I don't think that just because one is imperfect, doesn't mean that he or she cannot point out the imperfection that has devided us into our own seperate cultures, cliques, and communities. While none of these things are in themselves, bad, I think like anything else, they can be twisted and manupilated by the powers that be, into something rather wrong and disgusting.

First of all, think of the irony. Community is the idea that people who live in a similar loaction, share the same ideas, and have common goals should unite. Community is everywhere, and no one would say that community as a concept is a bad idea. However, whether we realize it or not, this thing that is supposed to bring us together does a pretty good job at tearing us apart. I'm talking about when worlds collide.

Community (I'm really going to use that word a lot it looks like) has been, for the most part, reduced to a small scale, and because of that, the idea has been defeated. If we keep the idea of community on a small scale, we never get to fully enjoy it on a large scale. The global community. The human population. In small groups, (I'm avoiding using the c-word) people share what makes them the same, and why they should be in community with each other. Quite often, the ideals of one community are in conflict with another. This leads to exclusion, and often times, it can lead to the despising of the other.

This presents a problem. If we shoot people in other groups down, we make our group exclusive, and thereby killing the whole communal concept. I think TRUE community happens on a world wide scale, when people look past the things that seperate them and instead, focus on the things that bring us together. This is an age-old idea, and it has almost been beaten to death, but as many times as this concept has been regurgitated NO ONE SEEMS TO GET IT. Nobody has said anything that makes it stick. Sure there have been those revolutionarys who make themselves known at the peak of their generation, but over time they fade into the background, and are soon just more names in history books that no one really gives a second thought to.

I'm not even trying to be the person that makes it stick with people. I can't even make it stick with myself, much less influence the whole world into this sort of "Peace and Love" trip. Alls I am trying to do is alert people of the irony and hypocrasy that leads us down our paths. We are mastered by our fears and our depravity. The person who learns to control his fear, no matter what it is, will truly be the great one among us.

Nerd Faith: Jesus and the Jedi order

Wow. It's been all of an hour since my last blog. Guess I just have a lot to say today.

This inspiration came at the dinner table while conversing with my Mom and Dad about spiritual things. Nothing really in particular, just about the general goodness of God and other such things. Then out of nowhere, I all of the sudden realized how much the Christian faith can be paralleled to the Force in the Star Wars movies. Yes, totally nerdy, I know. I am a nerd at heart (and yes, a Star Wars fan) and that's just something you will have to deal with if you wish to continue reading this blog.

All that said, I just wanted to briefly make some connections that I believe to hold some truth. I also wanted to offer an original (well, original in my mind at least) and fresh (again, to me) way to view the Christian life.

THE FORCE: In the Star Wars films, the Force is (in the words of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi)"...what gives a Jedi his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together." Now, the Force isn't real (do I hear weeping? Weird....) but lets take a look at the similarities and differences between God and the force. The above quote if it were to be in the Bible may sound something like "The Lord is what gives a Christian his power. He is everywhere, and has created all living things. He surrounds us and penetrates us. He holds the galaxy together" Wow. I never knew I could be such a geek. But do you get at what I'm driving at? The Force (besides the fact that uh...it's not real) is almost a direct analogy for God. It may be a stretch for some of you, but this example for me really helps. May the Lord be with you, always. Wow. I really hate how much of a tool I sound like right now. ;)

THE JEDI: So not only is there the Force, but there are those select few who are just more than aware of it's existence. There are the people who devote their entire life to following the ways of the force. In the films these are called the Jedi. The Jedi are called to live a life differnet from all other beings who dwell within the universe. They start as padawans, and eventually (through the training of their master) become full blown lightsaber sportin' Jedi Masters. Yay! The whole idea of the Jedi is again, frighteningly enough, another direct anaolgy for the whole aspect of the Christian lifestyle and discipleship. We start as padawans (or "baby Christians") and through the training (discipleship) of our masters (people God puts in our lives) we can eventually get a reasonably fair understanding of who God is, and how to fully use the power he gives us to help others.

Another small thing I would like to point out is that in the films, the Jedi are often times misunderstood, feared, and hated by the other less Force-aware beings. If I have to point out how this ties into the Christian walk...so help me.

THE LIGHTSABER: As many of who are still reading this probably know, the lightsaber is the Jedi's weapon of choice. It is a sword made of energy, that can cut through literally anything except of course, another lightsaber. Since Star Wars is set in the future (well, technically a long time ago...wow, I'm just fully embracing the nerd today) it seems strange to other creatures that they do not wield some sort of super-powerful laser carbine blaster or some other giant weapon that could easily destroy. In the words of Han Solo, an "...ancient weapon is no match for a blaster at your side..." Well Mr. Solo, what do you say when a Jedi starts charging at you bouncing every single shot you take right back at you and then cuts your wimpy pistol right in half? Yeah, that's what I thought. Anyway, the Christian approach (weapon) to things is far more sophisticated and accurate, than that of the world's. The world will just start blasting anything and anyone at random. This is an analogy of how a non-believer will often times start ranting about matters of which they have no solid truth in. The true Christ follower can be both gentle and aggressive. We can also use the word of God to deflect the lies and everything else this world offers us.

I can go on and on about how there is a dark side (people who are FIRMLY rooted in lies) and yadda yadda yadda, but I already think I'm going to have to take a shower to wash all this NERD off of me. Wow. I didn't know I could be this much of a geek.

If you found this helpful, then I have done my job. You may think it's cheesy and probably a slew of other things, but at least you can't deny that there is SOME connection.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think my pocket protectors are done drying.

The emptiness of it all, and who cares anyway.

My inspirations for writing these sorts of blogs come at random times. That's why I have to write it when the flash of brilliance comes, because if I don't do it right away, I won't ever do it. Today, it just so happens that this revelation came to me in the shower, and, knowing that a lot of people might need to hear this, I took it seriously enough to hop right of the shower and come down and start typing.

In a nutshell, I was thinking about how much easier life would be if everyone liked me. Not just liked me, but adored me. I tried to imagine myself in a place where EVERYONE in the whole wide world not only liked, but loved me. Sounds like either ego or insecurity, but hear me out on this one.

What if everyone liked you? Praised you, kissed the ground you walked upon, and claimed that they would do anything for you? For a few minutes, it sounds like life might be easier to handle, but then I REALLY thought about (and over-analyzed it, as I often do) and wondered what I would feel like inside. Initially I thought that I wouldn't have a problem in the world and that everything would be easy and fun. Then I thought harder, and realized it would all be empty. Think about it, if EVERYONE in the world complimented you on EVERYTHING you did, would you feel better about yourself in the long run? No, you wouldn't. Think about that last compliment you recieved, even from someone you admire. Did it make all your problems and struggles vaporize? I'm guessing no. In fact, my guess is that in a weird way, it would make you even more insecure in the long run. You would start to wonder what it is that you were doing that everyone liked, and the pressure to uphold that reputation would wear you down to the bone.

Now imagine praise coming from not just someone you admire, but from EVERYONE. The pressure would then be off the charts. You would no longer be yourself, and you would start to worry that eventually you would do something wrong, and lose all your fans. You would turn into a butt-kissing schmoozer. No one likes those people. Your identity would be completely lost, and eventually you would die a very unhappy person in the inside.

Sometimes, I think life would be easier if everyone hated me. There would be no pressure on you to be anything but yourself. You would feel much more liberated on the inside, and at the end of the day, you would at least have yourself. You wouldn't have a reputation to uphold, and the drive to conform with everyone else would completely dissipate.

That's why I beleive, that God causes people to hate Christians so much. In a way, I think it's a strategy designed for the sole purpose of finding our identity in him. At the end of the day, if you have no one else, at least you have Jesus, who loves you no matter what you do. He's your biggest and only true fan. Man's praise is empty. I think tonight, that concept finally hit home for me. I don't know how, or why, but it came to me while washing my hair.

So be free, for our identity is in the Lord. All of this will be gone one day. Life is fleeting blip on the radar screen of eternity. Don't waste your time trying to be someone that everyone is going to like because I'll let you in a little secret. IT WON"T WORK!!!

Those are my thoughts for today. Oh, and if you happen to be one of those people who don't like me, thank you. You're keeping me sane.

my own place to rant

Welcome to the new blog. I figure my rants and mis-informed tyrant marches on topics I have little to no knowledge of would be better off posted here, in some far desolate corner of the interweb. This way, if you want to know what I have to say, you can come here. A place where anything goes, and all opinions are welcome.

I guess I just got tired of posting on facebook. Facebook is good for making sure people still like you, the occasional stalking of random people, and my favorite feature, the facebook status (because let's face it, every person you are friends with REALLY cares that you are studying for a chem-final that you really don't want to take...).

So in short, I have nothing new or inspiring to say right now. In fact, I don't even have anything pointless to say, except the introdutcion to the new blog. I only ask one thing. If you read something on here, PLEASE comment. I am secure enough in myself to know that my writings are decent, but it still helps to know that people are stopping by.

Basically, I have this complex where I want what I say to matter to people. I don't care if they think it's right or wrong, good or bad, clean or vulgar, I just want to know you stopped by and read what I have to say. So PLEASE, whether you like what I'm saying or not, just let me know you read it.

Also, if you have anything you would like me to write about, I would be more than happy to do some minimal research (meaning enough to get a semi-accurate understanding) and then blog to my heart's content about what I think. I would love it actually, if you the readers spoke up.

No, I don't have anything better to do so LEAVE ME ALONE :)

the degenerative sprial towards numbness

As usual, going into these things, I never know exactly what I am going to say. It makes it even harder when the idea of what I should write about is not even my own. This was a request from a good friend of mine, and I think it's a topic worth writing about. It needs to be at least brought up and made known.

The topic is Leprosy, and not in the gross physical sense. I stopped over at Wikipedia to familiarize myself with it further, and it's a pretty unsightly disease. Basically, you loose feelings in your nerves and you start beating the shit out of yourself by walking into things, stepping on things, burning yourself, and destroying that gutsack that people call a body. All this to say, the person is destroying himself slowly without realizing it, due to his inability to feel.

Now, if I have to point out where this is going maybe you should stop reading right here because it will most likely go over you're head. Okay I'll say it anyway. Still Reading?

Not to repeat myself, or go on some peace and love tangent, or even to boldy state the obvious, but the condition of mankind as a whole has gotten pretty bad, wouldn't you agree? What causes that. Over time, we gradually become looser in our ethics. Morals begin to slide down a slippery slope. This happens on an individual level (which is almost a whole other topic...) but for now I am speaking as it regards to all of the human race as a whole. We are loosing our ability to feel in a sense. I guess that's what I'm stabbing at. For whatever reason (you ever notice how so many things in life remain unexplained?) we are beating ourselves up. We're insensative to the dangers that different things in this fleating existnece possesses. This damn machine doesn't have spell check, so for you grammar/spelling freaks out there, save it.

In short, there is nothing I can say that hasn't been said. I have no revolutionary thoughts or wisdom on how to practically improve our condition. No mix of words or ideas can completely remove the stain we have tainted ourselves with. I am only an observer, and as an observer I make observations. This is what I have seen. What you do with all this is up to you.Thanks to Janae for the idea. If anyone has anything they want to see put in writing let me know. I got nothing to do.