Too tired, troubled, torn, and taken down.

This one is going to be a bit more personal.

I woke up this morning feeling like complete shit. Not in the physical sense, but more in the emotional / mental department. It seems mornings like these are becoming more and more frequent. I wake up hating everything. I wake up feeling trapped, miserable, empty, misguided, confused, and apathetic, and it sucks.

I know, I know. I have got to start eating breakfast. Most important meal of the day people say. Although I don't think that this state of being is from mal-nutrition, at least in the physical way. Something else that used to be there is gone. My get up and go, got up and left, so to speak.

I've never felt like this before. Like I'm at a dead end. Like some invisible walls are closing in. The end of my short rope. Fuse is getting shorter. My anxiety is off the charts, and I feel like at any minute, I could have a nervous break-down at ninteen years old. I feel as though I am a ticking time bomb, an unstable bridge just waiting ever so patiently for that one moron to tread where he should not go. I feel sorry for whoever sets me off, becasue I do not know what I will do. The weight of the world is on my shoulders, or at least, a good half of the world. I can't get rid of that feeling.

Most of you who know me pretty well have never seen me angry. Upset, annoyed, grumpy, and frustrated, yes. But Angry? No one's ever seen me angry. I think I might have been once, and it wasn't pretty.

So now that I feel that there is nothing left I can do, I choose to write about it. Maybe putting all these things into words will make them less of a mystery. I find that by giving my feelings faces and names, they tend to be less scary. Still there, but just not as frightening.

Even now, starting to calm down. Good. Won't be like this for long though. Never is. Whenever it comes back, it's always worse too. I need something. I fucking hate this job. I hate this routine of get up, go to work, come home, go to bed. That's not me. I don't do that shit. I was meant for better, and I feel my soul rotting to nothing every minute I spend in these goddamned walls.

I just need something....

It hurts that this doesn't surprise me

I was cruising the web this morning and I stumbled across this post on Geekologie. Normally, it's a fun site, discussing various topics that would be interessting to people with a nerd side.

One of the posts this morning, was not very fun at all. In fact, I found it rather (not)shocking. You know that feeling, the whole, "Oh my lanta, I'm so (not) shocked!" It's becaue of this awful world. Anyway, a 19 year old from Florida killed himself on the internet with an audience of about 1500 people. Abraham Biggs intentionally overdosed on pills in front of over a thousand people watching on their computer screens. Justin.tv is an open network of hundreds of streaming chanels, and is a medium for students (or anyone) to use streaming media.

Abraham had posted suicide notes on forums prior to him taking the pills. In fact, he had done things like this so many times before, the moderators of these sites didn't take it seriously enough to do anything when he decided to do it for real. His note read:

"I am an asshole. I have let everyone down and I feel as though I will
never change or never improve. I am in love with a girl and I know that I am not good enough for her. Please forgive me all for taking my own life so early. I tried so hard to fight against this strong battle. I have reached out for help so many times, and yet I believe, I was turned away because of the things I did, that it is a punishment I am willing to take, for I know that being who I am has only brought myself and others pain."

If that isn't bad enough, they were people online who were egging him on to do it. They WANTED to see him kill himself. Still there were those who even after his body lay there completely lifeless, continued to mock and jeer at him and acusing him of staging the whole thing.

This is so saddening to me, and yet the sadder part is that most of me is not phased by this at all. I'm sad because I know it happened. I'm sad because of his confusion, his anger, his self-loathing, his feeling of worthlessness. I am also quite shocked at how much people change when they're posting in public forums, but that'll be for a different entry.

I think for this to hit home for most of us, we need to think about the point he was driven to, rather than the actual act of killing himself. Think of the times where life has seemed so hopeless and dark. We've all been there.

Think about the time where you were most hurt, scared, angry, or confused. This poor kid had it so bad, that the only way in his mind to get it to go away, was to kill himself. We are so quick to judge and say "Oh, suicide is selfish," blah blah blah. I'm not condoning suicide, but I really do hate it when people have no sympathy for them. That's a dangerous place to be at.

Didn't mean to get all preachy. Just wanted to point a few things. Things that I found, thought-worthy, I guess. My goal wasn't to ruin anyone's day, but like always, to get you to think about things in a different way.

RIP Abraham Biggs

Stress, Writers block, and everything in between

Blogging, for me, is probably one of the most stress relieving things. It's a chance for me to sit down, get my thoughts in order, and then write them out. But even something as simple as that, I turn stressful. It's not easy, but somehow I manage.

Here is what I mean. I don't know if I've ever gone into any detail about how my mind works, but although it doesn't necesarily present itself outwardly, inwardly, I try to be a very organized person. Meaning everything has it's "place" and when something is out of it's "place" (I use quotes beacuse the place is in my head) it drives me nuts.

How this relates to my blogging is this. For media related things, I have the media blog. And up until this point, I was only going to use this blog for spiritual and deep profound things. The trouble with that, is where do I put all my other thoughts? They have no place. So instead of starting an individual blog for every different train of thought I have, I just decided to put all "thought" related things into this blog. Hence, the name change and everything. I just needed to finalize it in my head. I don't know if any of you think like that, but I think some of you get what I'm saying. My head is messy and disorganized, while at the same time, everything has it's place. I think by trying to explain myself, I'm just confusing you more. Sorry. I usually consider myself pretty good at communicating what I'm trying to say. Just goes to show you how confusing we as humans can be. Love it?

I don't know why I decided to write about this. There is nothing too particularly meaningful about this entry, but hey! That's the great thing about the web. You don't need a reason to ramble. Ugh. Just had something that needed to get out I suppose.

I guess if there is a point to any of this, it would be as follows. I think people over-complicate a lot of things, even if it's just in the mind. The mind is where stress begins and ends, and I think we have a lot more control over it than we realize. I think I'll start with this whole blog thing. I need to free myeself of the restraints. Restraints, that I subconsciencely put there in the first place. It may be freeing to try the same.