Too tired, troubled, torn, and taken down.

This one is going to be a bit more personal.

I woke up this morning feeling like complete shit. Not in the physical sense, but more in the emotional / mental department. It seems mornings like these are becoming more and more frequent. I wake up hating everything. I wake up feeling trapped, miserable, empty, misguided, confused, and apathetic, and it sucks.

I know, I know. I have got to start eating breakfast. Most important meal of the day people say. Although I don't think that this state of being is from mal-nutrition, at least in the physical way. Something else that used to be there is gone. My get up and go, got up and left, so to speak.

I've never felt like this before. Like I'm at a dead end. Like some invisible walls are closing in. The end of my short rope. Fuse is getting shorter. My anxiety is off the charts, and I feel like at any minute, I could have a nervous break-down at ninteen years old. I feel as though I am a ticking time bomb, an unstable bridge just waiting ever so patiently for that one moron to tread where he should not go. I feel sorry for whoever sets me off, becasue I do not know what I will do. The weight of the world is on my shoulders, or at least, a good half of the world. I can't get rid of that feeling.

Most of you who know me pretty well have never seen me angry. Upset, annoyed, grumpy, and frustrated, yes. But Angry? No one's ever seen me angry. I think I might have been once, and it wasn't pretty.

So now that I feel that there is nothing left I can do, I choose to write about it. Maybe putting all these things into words will make them less of a mystery. I find that by giving my feelings faces and names, they tend to be less scary. Still there, but just not as frightening.

Even now, starting to calm down. Good. Won't be like this for long though. Never is. Whenever it comes back, it's always worse too. I need something. I fucking hate this job. I hate this routine of get up, go to work, come home, go to bed. That's not me. I don't do that shit. I was meant for better, and I feel my soul rotting to nothing every minute I spend in these goddamned walls.

I just need something....